Gremlins Vs. Critters: The Fight Part One

So, we've been over both the Gremlins, and the Critters. The only thing left is the fight itself.

Scratch sat on top of the computer, the claws on his feet clicking against the screen as he curled his toes. Just under a dozen others were all that were left in the lab. All the other gremlins had spread out into the building. He was content to sit in the lab for now, security guard's pistol in one hand, flask of who-knew-what in the other. 

A furball rolled across the floor. Why it attracted Scratch's attention at first, he wasn't sure, but he knew it was something interesting when it stopped in the middle of the floor and then changed direction. It rolled over to one of the other gremlins and came to rest in front of it. Then unfurled. It stood there, looking around, then at the gremlin in front of it. Now everyone's attention was on the creature. 

The closest gremlin reached out, poking the furball. Once, twice, then the creature opened a mouth as big as itself and bit down onto the hand. Everyone laughed as the injured one swung it's arm around the furball still attached, gnawing it's way further up the arm. The furball chewed it's way up the arm to the shoulder, then lept up and bit off the front of the gremlins face, causing it to finally stop flailing and fall over. 

Suddenly, several other furballs rolled out onto the floor, from under the tables, under the cabinets, all converging on the downed gremlin and latching onto it. In seconds, nothing was left but bones. The rest of the gremlins kept laughing, all except Scratch, who's eyes narrowed as he watched the unfamiliar little furballs. They weren't mogwai, that was for sure.

Then the furballs rolled up again and took off in different directions, bouncing towards the gremlins scattered around the room. One of the critters bounced up at Scratch, who watched it amused before swinging the pistol around and putting a bullet through the furry black ball. It fell onto the table next to him, neon green blood oozing out of it. 

A second one bounced up at him. Scratch dropped the flask and cocked his clawed fist back, punching it in mid-air, sending it flying across the room and splattering against the wall. At the sound everything else in the room stopped and turned to stare at the green smear on the wall. 

The gremlins started laughing again, one of them, wearing a baseball hat, grabbed the leg of an overturned table and broke it off with a quick yank. It turned to the closest critter, still frozen as it stared at the mess on the wall. The gremlin croaked in its soft voice, "batter...up...". The critter barely had time to turn, eyes bulging, before the table leg sent it flying across the room and adding a second splatter. 

The second splat broke the spell on the rest of the critters, sending them rolling for cover. Scratch dropped down off the table looking around as he wandered over to another pair of gremlins that were poking at the bones of the one that'd been eaten. The room was silent as the gremlins looked around for where the furballs had gone to. 

Suddenly the critters were all together, popping out from around the corners of a smashed desk. One lowered its head and a spine shot out, spearing the gremlin to Scratch's right. The target immediately fell back, snoring loudly. The rest of the critters lowered their heads as well, launching spines as Scratch grabbed the other gremlin to his left, using him as a shield. The hapless gremlin was shot with a dozen spines and went limp, snoring as well. Scratch continued to hold him up while shooting back with the pistol. One, two more critters exploded before the gun ran out of bullets, but it was enough to scatter the furballs again. 

--------------------------------------------------------------

So we started with ten to a side. So far in this battle, we have 1 Gremlin down, (3 if you count the two that are going to be asleep the rest of this little encounter) and 4 Critters. The Gremlin leader doesn't have his gun anymore though, so maybe the Crites can turn it around in the second half. 

This is going to be long though, which is why I'm breaking it up into two posts. So what do you all think so far? Am I missing something? Let me know in the comments below or on social media! 

Gremlins vs Critters. 9 vs 5 

Click here for part two. 

Gremlins Vs Critters: Critters

Now to look at the other side of this match-up! In the Blue corner, the ever-insatiable Critters! If you need a reminder of the other side, the Gremlins, click here.

The Crites have four movies to draw from, and are much more focused on killing than the Gremlins. In doing research online for this series, I have found a few other places that have tried to answer this question of who would win, and most of them put the win in the Crites' column.

I'm still going to go over their abilities, strengths, and weaknesses here though, to ensure the match-up is as accurate as I can make it.

Strengths

1. Eating Machines.

The Crites are pure eating machines, with bottomless stomachs and their huge mouths have three sets of razor sharp teeth. They will eat literally anything they think could be food, and they also use their teeth and mouths to get to prey. They'll chew through doors, eat down chairs, and shred tires to stop potential food from escaping. In addition, they can go into a kind of 'Piranha mode' where a small group of them can strip a body of flesh in a matter of seconds.

2. Tranquilizer Spines

Probably the Crites most unique ability, is that they have spines among their fur that can be launched like darts. The spines are strong enough to pierce steel, and are coated with a venom that puts other living things to sleep when struck. A single spine has enough venom on it to put a fully grown man to sleep. That being said though, it doesn't seem to be a venom that can kill. People hit with multiple spines fall asleep faster, but even after being hit with a dozen, they recover fairly quickly once the spines are removed.

3. Ball form

The Crites arms and legs are short and stubby, so they get around by curling up into a ball and rolling and bouncing along after prey. In this form, they are extremely durable, taking hits from baseball bats, and other objects and simply bouncing off of them. They can also fall for substantial distances without being hurt. In addition, they can spin in place, supercharging themselves for a speed boost or to let them bounce straight up from a stationary position.

4. Growth

One of the Crites rarer abilities is that if they actually manage to eat enough of something that actually counts as food, they can grow to much larger sizes. The average Crite is about the size of a soccer ball when it's curled up, but the example we saw in the movie produced one that stood over six feet tall standing upright. It certainly stands to reason that with enough food, they could continue to grow and reach truly monstrous sizes. This would takes time though, and tons of food.

Weaknesses

1. Intelligence

Crites aren't very smart. As I said, they're eating machines, and they don't discriminate very well between things that are food and things that aren't. They're happy to bite into electrical cables, swallow explosives. and down random chemicals. They don't know how things work, and get caught in machines pretty easily. They also can't recognize things that are dangerous until they see one of their fellow Crites go down from it. Even then, they aren't quick to run away and tend to get stuck in place for a few moments.

2. Durability

This goes along with the lack of intelligence. They're bottomless pits when it comes to things that are edible, but they can easily eat things that kill them. The aforementioned explosives, electrical cables, and chemicals are all things that killed them after being eaten. The lack of durability extends to their outsides too. They've been killed by everything from being stepped on to a falling ceiling fan, and they die to firearms as easily as just about any other animal.

There we go! The combatants have been examined. Both sides have strengths and weaknesses that can either lead them to victory, or a crushing defeat. Check back next week when I go over one possible scenario for a confrontation between these two terrible monsters. What do you think of the strengths and weaknesses? Have I missed anything? Do you have any predictions for the fight?

~ Shaun

Gremlins Vs Critters: Gremlins

So, here we go, looking at the first of the combatants. Gremlins. You can also click here to check out their opponents, the Crites.

Theatrically, these guys are the underdogs, with only two movies to their name. There is a lot of screen time for both them and their abilities though. So there's a lot of information here to go over.

I'm going to start with the preamble that we're talking about the Gremlins after their cocoons, not the furry little Mogwais. Otherwise they would pretty much be the equivalent of popcorn chicken for the Crites.

Strengths

1. Basic physicality.

These are little monsters, so they come pre-equipped with the textbook razor sharp claws and teeth. They also feel very little pain, and can shrug off wounds that would kill other creatures. In Gremlins 2, for example, we see one of them get riddled with a machine gun. The creature's response was to grab something to drink, just to watch the liquid pour out of the holes and laugh about it with the other Gremlins that were there.

Gremlins are also disproportionately strong for their size, able to wield chainsaws, throw saw blades hard enough to embed them in walls, knock out grown men with a single punch, and rip 2-inch electrical conduit out of the wall, live wires included.

2. Mutations

So, in Gremlins 2, we found out that the creatures are extremely malleable with their genetic code and appearance. Several mutated after downing laboratory-quality distilled hormones and essences. They grew wings, turned into vegetables, got smarter, and others. Now, it should be pointed out that we saw easily a dozen Gremlins drinking from different vials and flasks, so a mutation isn't a guarantee. Going from the number of mutations vs the number of Gremlins, odds seem to be about 1 in 3 of a mutation with extremely high quality materials. Still, if there happen to be any such liquids around during the battle, the Crites might find themselves facing quite a different opponent.

3. Intelligence.

Gremlins are known for messing up electronics and machinery. They seem to have an almost 'sixth-sense' for knowing exactly how to break something or to make it malfunction. Knowing just the right way to break something at just the right time, might turn the tide if they get into a sticky situation.

They also have a basic intelligence. They know how to work things like elevators, guns, chainsaws, and theater projectors. So anything that's handy, they're likely to use.

4. Reproduction

All it takes is one Gremlin and a water source. With just a single drop of water, one Gremlin becomes two in just a couple minutes. Increase the water, and you increase the Gremlins to a ratio of five or six for each one you started with. As long as the water keeps flowing, each new Gremlin is capable of giving 'birth' in the same way as soon as it can stand. So it stands to reason that the Crites need to finish this fight quickly before any pipes get broken, or they going to be overwhelmed with sheer numbers.

Weaknesses

1. Intelligence

Despite their innate knowledge of machinery, Gremlins aren't particularly smart. Being that they don't feel a lot of pain, they have no problem walking into situations that include their own dismemberment or death, and they don't feel any need to take cover or retreat from most dangers.

While Gremlins enjoy mischief and are generally malicious, they aren't actually out to kill or hurt people. They do it for fun and for laughs. Now, I say generally, because every so often, a Gremlin pops out which is particularly nasty. These tend to be the leaders, directing traffic to achieve maximum damage and destruction. In the movies, these were seen as Stripe in the first movie, and Mohawk in the second, although Mohawk ended up being usurped by the Brain Gremlin. Without a leader, many Gremlins are just as happy drinking beer, partying, and watching musicals as they are biting and scratching people.

2. Sunlight / Bright lights

This is how you kill Gremlins. Either direct sunlight or exceptionally bright lightbulbs. First they start to smoke, then they burn, then they melt into green and brown puddles, bones and all. It's also one of the few things they fear and that inflicts actual pain on them. So if you want to send the Gremlins running for cover, this is what you use.

So, that's pretty much my rundown of the Gremlins side of this fight. Do you agree with all my points? Is there anything I left out? Let me know in the comments, on my Facebook page, or my Twitter. I would love to hear from any and all opinions on this matter!

Check back next week when we go over the Crites!

~ Shaun

Gremlins Vs. Critters

So, a lot of places have done VS. series of one kind or another. Go see if you can find Deadliest Warrior for a great one. A few dedicated Horror sites have even already pitted classic monsters against each other. Plus there's movies for Aliens VS Predator, and Freddy VS Jason.

So, there's one pairing off that I've been thinking about for a while, that I want to go over. I don't have any programs for running simulations or anything fancy like that, but I can go over the monsters themselves, argue for who I think would win, and open the forum for discussion.

So, as you may have guessed from the title of this post, the face-off I'm talking about is Gremlins Vs. Critters.

Both are movies made in the mid-1980's which feature small monsters running around terrorizing towns. Both are really good movies and worth watching if you're into Horror.

Now, I'll be honest, I want to take this about as seriously as possible (which doesn't mean TOO much considering how off-the-wall the combatants can be). Which means I'm probably going to break this into a few different parts. This post is going to go into the basics of the movies and the monster's backgrounds. Then each beast will get a post detailing it's abilities, strengths, and weaknesses. Finally, one more post will explain how I see their fight coming out. 

So, the ground rules for the eventual bout.

1. Considering these are small creatures, that typically run in groups or hoards, I've decided to make this fight a group match. 10 vs 10 or 25 vs 25. We'll see if the monster posts help me figure out exactly how many a side is actually fair.

2. To keep the fight contained, and to ensure retreat is not an option, I'm going to set this inside a building. Creatures can run and hide for a bit, but there is no permanent escape. 

3. There will be innocent bystanders trapped inside with them. Because what kind of horror movie monster fight would this be without people dying who have nothing to do with it? 

So, stay tuned, because things will probably get interesting the next couple weeks!

(Edit: The bit is done, so here's the links!)

The Gremlins.

The Critters.

The fight: Part 1

The fight: Part 2

~ Shaun